It’s been a little bit since I posted a small story, or a video to my youtube channel.
It’s not been for lack of desire, ideas, interest. I’ve got two story drafts and two video projects started.
It’s been a lot of things. Most of them related to my mental health. My brain has been on a rollercoaster for several weeks. A perfect storm of little things piling up on each other that sends me from really low to almost ok, then back to super low again. My anxiety has been absolutely running the show every day. I’ve been getting help. Seeing my therapist every couple of weeks. But it’s still been a struggle just to function like an average human in a first world country. My sleep has been disastrous, my diet has been pretty terrible (I just stood in front of the fridge, listening to it beep that the door was open, while eating swiss cheese slices and a cucumber dipped in sour cream and salsa mixed together #bachelorlife), and my emotions have been off the charts in all directions.
This stuff has sort of become my normal I guess. Not in that it's like this all the time, but days/weeks/months like this are not unusual. And while I’ve learned to deal with some of it, and I tend to get through most episodes without reaching rock bottom these days, it still has a huge impact on my general life.
Knowing these episodes are inevitable, in spite of medication, affects every decision I make. From socialization (I tend to avoid it), to dating (I 100% avoid it at all costs), to career (freelancing is scary as hell when you think about how some days it's nearly impossible to function, never mind complete big projects), to relationships with family and my dog, this cloud hangs over all of it.
In some ways it is just my normal, you learn to exist within your normal, whatever that is. So it doesn’t seem like a big deal most of the time, because it just is what it is. But it's mind-blowing to think that life is not this way for everyone.
Some people have it a helluva lot worse.
Some people have it a helluva lot better.
It’s totally strange and foreign to me to think about the idea of my life not having this seemingly permanent cloud within it.
Mental health is a fascinating thing mates. Ask your friends about their experiences with it. Try to understand even a little bit of what they’ve experienced.